just tell him i said nine months
I wish i was in the wii world.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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