she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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