CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
