my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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