I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
