My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
