hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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