ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
