So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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