Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
