my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
