I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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