I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
