i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
