but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize