She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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