Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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