just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
We were destined to go to rehab together
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
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