omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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