I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
