WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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