I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
