I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
