Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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