I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
