My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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