I'm eating all of the evidence.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I am midnight drunk by noon
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Randomize
