i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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