Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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