Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
