i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
