my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
