Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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