i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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