we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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