I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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