Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Randomize
