using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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