We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
