how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
