I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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