I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
