You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
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