When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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