Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
