Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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