Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
