apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
don't judge my taste in strippers
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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