so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
