All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
