I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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