If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Randomize
