I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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