Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
i drank out of a bidet.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
