Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
