this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
it was like eating out sand paper
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Hippo gnu deer
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
