I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Randomize
