i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
