happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
